So, update on the French cabbage soup: not impressed. We all ate it, and then searched the cupboards for some REAL sustenance. When Julia says its a peasant soup and a main dish soup at that, I would say we have different opinions of what constitutes “main-dish.” First, I did not like the texture of the cabbage….its just not my thing…second, I added one of the optional ingredients of white beans to add some more substance and we were still wanting more. So, the French soup was transformed into an Italian beef soup, with the addition of ground beef and 1 jar of organic tomato pasta sauce. MUCH better today! We had it at lunch, and dinner (this Mama was too engrossed in a good book and then piano lesson cab driver responsibilities to want to cook) Isn’t there some fad diet of cabbage soup??? I can see how you’d lose weight, it wasn’t all that good…..I wouldn’t be gorging myself on it anyway. Which is the segue into the next topic….
Today I have defined my issues: I want to stop hating the fat, the parts of my body that are the 36 yr old, mother of 3, stretched and scarred from weight battles and pregnancies, but I do want to get thinner. Hm. This is the issue for most of us. I want to let go, without letting myself go. I don’t want to waste another precious moment on guilt, self destructive thinking, fault finding in the mirror, in the reflections of store windows, judging…..no more. This will be hard to put into practice. I have grown up with it. Its ingrained. It has haunted me all of my life. I want to put it away, rid myself of this emotional baggage. When I think back, this is how I began my journey with losing the initial 100lbs. I put myself as a top priority. Yep, just like all the books, all the self help gurus etc say. Actually, you know what was really the moment things shifted in my brain? At dinner with a group of friends who ALL went to the gym and had connections there, and I did not, and the topic of conversation was some woman I had never even met, who had went on weight watchers and transformed herself, and how amazed all my friends were. They were amazed and impressed with her focus and determination. I wanted them to talk about me like that some day. Something that night, in that conversation, of which I was only an observer, not a participant changed me. I took a year off from my job, I put up some much needed barriers with my mom and I started walking. I was tired of being the biggest one at the table when I went out with friends. I was tired of feeling like everyone was watching what I put into my mouth. I was tired of my friends wanting to help, yet having to walk on egg shells around me. So, I started walking. I did it in secret. I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing. Actually, I take that back. I did my bible study lady friends, but they were in a different world than my dinner friends. I am sure those ladies lifted my name in prayer. I secretly challenged my friends to see the difference and comment on it. When we’d meet each other in town, on the soccer field, I would silently will them to see a difference. I started March 1st. By late April I was getting “looks” from my friends on the soccer field, the up and downs, and yet they stayed quiet….probably for fear of hurting my feelings. None of them cared about my size, other than knowing I wasn’t happy, but they were in a spot. It made me want it more, walk more, eat better. They could see maybe something was happening, but they couldn’t put their finger on it. I wanted to create a change that couldn’t be doubted. It was motivating me, this secret challenge with myself and my friends. Plus it became something that I did for me. By not telling anyone, it was all me. For me. Finally, at a birthday lunch for me, in May, I spilled the beans. By then I was down 30 pounds. There was a collective sigh of held breaths released at the table and lots of talk and congratulations and support….one of my friends is a neighbor and witnessed my walking, so she checked with my husband to see what equipment I had, and she and my friends bought me my first i pod. I actually began “training” for walking a half marathon. To me its much easier to say I am in “training” than to say I am on a diet, or I am trying to lose weight. By being in training, I began to look at food as fuel. Total mind shift. I used to think, “If its that hard to lose it, then God must not want me to.” really? I really felt that way pre-walking. Well, its time again. Another mind shift is due. No more dieting, no more menu plans, etc. I will eat when I am hungry, stop when I am full and get a minimum of 4 work outs in a week. That’s it. I will eat a cookie that my youngest is so proud to have baked by herself, and I will do it with out one bit of second guessing and guilt. I will eat the amazing sauces that I am learning to create, w/o regret. I will bless my body with exercise and bless my soul with making a conscious effort to stop the negative internal dialog.
Tomorrow we have a Boy Scout Court of Honor to attend in the evening, which includes a Chinese potluck dinner. My culinary text book has a recipe and skill set for fried rice…..that will be tomorrow’s assignment. I was browsing the text this afternoon, and the appetizer and charcuterie chapters shall be an adventure…force-meats? I will have to focus on keeping an open mind, as to be honest it doesn’t sound that appetizing. ahhh, but the bread chapters are coming and baking…..yep, it will be a true test if I can do this guilt free, stay off the scale and have a clear mind.
these are my “power verses”:
Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden parts you will make me know wisdom.
*truth: I am beautiful, from the inside out. YOU are beautiful from the inside out. I want to see your beauty, not judge you. I want to see my beauty w/o judgment.
*Wisdom: a bit of butter, a cookie or 2 do not make me a failure. The number between my toes is just a number, it does not define me. Same goes for you. That number is null. Body builders are considered obese if you just look at that number.
vs 10, Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me.
*clean: free from impurities…in my case, free from impure thoughts, self destructive, self judgmental thoughts,
*steadfast: unwavering, determined in purpose…keep your eye on the goal!
vs 12, Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.
*sustain: to supply with necessities, support
*Willing: eagerly compliant, That’s me! I am ever eager to comply!! Negativity be GONE!
One last thought. I read this sentence today: “Artists search for beauty…” I consider myself an artist, both with pen and ink, and creating with food….I see beauty in lines, in color, in form, in shapes, in composition. I see beauty in the human body (I was a figure artist and sold a few works even) I see it in the locker room at the gym, all shapes and sizes, all ages, why do I not see my own? That my friends is where the deepest most profound change will be. Creating beautiful food while creating a beautiful inner being. Yah Baby! That’s what I’m talking about! I have goosebumps!